Chapter 3: My weakness is my empowerment.
You’re oversensitive.
You’re so sensitive about everything.
Stop being so sensitive.
If you are also a sensitive human soul, I’m sure you’ve heard those words before, but cheer up angel, for today, it’s all about you!
Sensitive
/ˈsɛnsɪtɪv/
Quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.
Having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings.
The Hidden Gem and Negative Connotations.
According to the dictionary, sensitivity sounds like a trait I would willingly adopt! However, when put into practice in society, it is treated like an emotional liability.
I have always been a sensitive kid, and I have always been treated like the ‘sensitive’ kid. My tears weren’t taken seriously, because I’m too sensitive. My hurt wasn’t acknowledged, because I’m too sensitive. My feelings were doubted, because I was just, too, sensitive!
The simple word sensitive, was a one stop solution for everything people didn’t wanna solve. A label was slapped on, and the case was dismissed. I became afraid of being labelled as sensitive after spending more than half my life known as the sensitive girl. So I tried to stop, without knowing what it actually was, and without knowing that it is more deeply ingrained in me than I will ever know.
With the fear of being labelled, I allowed people to cross my boundaries and make me uncomfortable. I laughed at jokes that weren’t funny, in fact they weren’t jokes to begin with, they were insults disguised as humour, and if you called them out, you’d ruin ‘the vibe’, you’d be too sensitive and can’t take a joke. I allowed people to be rude to me, because if I stood my ground, I’d be again, overly sensitive.
And you are damned right I am.
I am f**king sensitive. So sensitive that I notice your breathing patterns changed when someone brought up a topic that you didn’t find comfortable, so I chime in and change the topic so you don’t need to struggle and decide whether or not to sit through the discomfort or muster up the courage to speak out.
I am f**king sensitive, I notice that your body language is behaving that much more tense than normal, so I stand by you, give you little hugs so you’d know someone is here for you even if you don’t know how to ask for it.
I am f**king sensitive, I diffuse the situation for you before you even notice it is becoming a situation. Still so f**king sensitive, I argue with people without them knowing it’s an argument because I cater my every word and tone to make sure they feel okay.
I am proud, of being that so called sensitive b**tch. Sensitivity is the reason everyone around me is able to freely be who they are knowing there won’t be any judgments. Sensitivity is the reason my friends feel comfortable telling me their deepest flaws and worries because they know I’ll nudge them into the right direction without bruising their ego and feelings.
Sensitivity made me who I am. It made me worthy of love even in the moments I didn’t think I deserved. But sensitivity also hurt me.
With the heightened emotional senses that comes from being sensitive, it became easier to get stuck in a rabbithole and start actually acting, oversensitive. It is crucial at this stage that one has the ability to extract themselves from emotion and assess an issue or person with rationality. There is never an absolute right, or absolute wrong, balance plays a huge role in allowing a positive trait remain positive. By practicing mindfulness and self-awareness, the true harmony of sensitivity will only shine brighter.
Weight of Knowledge.
At the risk of sounding cringy, I still have to say it. We all know that knowledge is power, and as quoted in Spiderman ‘With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility’. The weight of seeing too much and hearing too much without needing to be shown or told gets very overwhelming.
The slightest frown in between sentences sends me spiralling, making me wonder if I did anything wrong. The little hesitancy before shaking my hand makes me overthink, every tone shift, every incohesive action pushes me into a heavy self-reflecting stance where I try to find out if I could have caused it. This level of urgency in self-reflecting stems from insecurity that I have borne for many years. Though it is a separate mechanism from sensitivity, it is so often seen in sensitive empaths due to the experience they had growing up with society's connotation regarding the topic.
This is a weight that nudged me towards a better direction. What began as self-blame transformed into a merit where I’m able to be ruthlessly and radically honest with myself. As a result, I acknowledge, improve and became better each step of the way. Because apparently, I hated and blamed myself so much that when I did start to figure out what my actual flaws were, I was like: ‘oh my gosh, I’m such a manipulative person............. oh well, that’s so much better than being a mean b**tch, I can work on that” (ps: I worked on it, manipulative whooOo?!)
Perspective of Life
I traded the heavy burden for a clearer lens, all because I was sensitive. Sensitivity hurt me, but sensitivity made me kind. Most importantly, sensitivity made me someone worthy of my own love. With all of my heart, I can finally say that I love who I have become. I love what I do for myself, for the people around me, I, Love, Me. The ME without any adornment of the Dior, Chanel or whatever people associate luxury with nowadays. This feels like a luxurious lifestyle, and it all came from within. Money can buy happiness but it can't buy peace.
I wouldn’t wanna go through it again, but I am at peace that the hurt ever happened. I mean, in no world where a warrior doesn’t bear battle scars right? I hope that everyone reading this can grow to have a heart that allows yourself to be sensitive and be hurt for the sake of finding that true peace and kindness from within you one day.
I wanna leave today's chapter by sharing one of my favourite phrases with everyone:
Acknowledgement Is The First Step To Improvement.
Our better days are always ahead, so imagine what those days would feel like if you start being amazing now? I can’t wait for your happy days to come either, let’s all be amazing and sensitive !
xoxo
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