Chapter 2: Emotional Threshold
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I have a very cute puppy. He's almost 11 years old, His name is Happy, the Sheltie.
On 23rd April 2024, our gardener came and left our backyard door open, after awhile without supervision, he ran out. Then came a heavy thunderstorm, all while I was napping upstairs in my bedroom after work.
My parents didn't bother looking for him, didn't bother letting me know, didn't bother letting our security guards know to search for him, they just let be and decided that he'll come back eventually. The whole point wasn't whether or not he will be back on his own, it's the fact that they couldn't show any bit of care and the worst, they didn't allow me either.
I cried so much the past couple days, had the most mental breakdowns in a day, even had my first ever insane episode of screaming and crying uncontrollably as I ran away from home. I wasn't crying just because Happy was gone, I was crying because I was alone again, I was crying because during my tough moments, my parents never offered to care a single bit, I was crying because they abandoned me again, leaving me to face all hardships alone. They pushed me to the very edge and didn't allow me to be sad at all. Even in my lowest moments, I needed to smile.
Importance of Support System
Growing up I have been emotionally repressed, something that I hadn't known until recently, How could I have been emotionally repressed when I was a crybaby right? Well, I am. The other words I would use to describe myself was calm, but you would assume being calm and collected brings peace no? Well I don't feel peaceful, in fact I feel nothing at all.
I was numb.
Since childhood, for every reaction I gave, I experienced repercussions, and naturally, it became a habit, it was my new normal.
When I came home from school crying because a boy sexually harassed me, before I could speak, I was told to shut up and stop crying.
When I came home crying due to bullying, my mom would tell me it was probably my fault, so I grew up, thinking everything that went wrong in my life was my fault, even their failed marriage, was my fault.
At age 17 when I was at my lowest, as a final attempt to call for help, I opened up and told my brother I actually wanted to die. He sighed and told me to "STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC". Two days later, my family almost lost a daughter.
During my attempt, I came to a halt at the very edge of passing out, because I thought about my dog, my little angel, and I knew once I'm gone, no one would play with him. I knew once I'm gone, no one in our family would love him and buy him delicious treats and toys again. I couldn't just leave him behind.
Then I thought about my parents, how they'd knock on my door to no response but instead of worrying they'll probably get really really mad, start cussing me out of my existence then only after a day they'll realise something is wrong and they'll break into my room to find my lifeless body. Then they'll panic, start arguing with each other, the entire family will break apart because they're not mentally equipped for tough situations and the mediator, the only communicator, was gone. It felt like the harmony of my family was upon my shoulders since my young ages where I should've been free and careless. Now I understand why I wasn't allowed to be upset, because it reflects to them the reality of our 'family', and neither of them, were emotionally capable of handling it.
The thought of them breaking apart made me pause, but it didn't stop me.
Then I thought about me. The way nobody has yet heard me sing to my full potential. Nobody has seen me become one with the music when I dance. No one saw me modelling a beautiful gown. No one has yet experienced how soft and lovely I can be if loved right. If I leave now, I don't get to be me anymore. It is a privilege to live as me because I can do many things others can't but no one can acknowledge it because no one has yet to experience it. I've been living unseen and unheard all my life, catering to the needs of everyone but myself. I make other laugh during the day then I cry myself to bed, I have yet to make myself happy, the way I do others.
I'm so afraid of losing me, because I too, have yet to experience me.
I stopped myself, climbed out my window to take in some fresh air because I couldn't breathe, then I'm pretty sure I started hallucinating. The pool house started twirling, yes, a whole damn concrete building start warping into itself, and I'm sure I saw a ghost creeping up on me, not sure if it was just a buddy ghost or the grim reaper because I got chills all over my body then I ran to my moms room out of fear, she then yelled me, for being noisy, again, without knowing, she almost lost me.
I went back into my room, checked myself in the mirror, I looked like a pale ghost that returned from the dead. I developed a high fever for the next 2 days, obviously got yelled at for that too, but since then, I thanked myself for being stubborn, and I reminded myself that I would be my own support system, never to depend on anyone else ever again.
It worked well for me even till now, but everyday, deep down I know I crave external support, external validation, and warmth. I'm still waiting for that one day where I'll have a place to return to that I could feel peace, a place where I could call home.
For now, my home is gone. My Happy, is gone, but I know it's for the better, if he's left to find eternal peace, I'm so happy for him and I hope you find a better home in your next life. I hope they care for you and spend time with you the way I should've done more. I hope they buy you a plush bed the way I wanted to. I hope they let you sit with them on the couch as they work, the way I wasn't allowed to. I hope you meet someone stronger, someone who can make decisions to let you live your best life. I'm sorry I was too busy minding my own sadness that I never helped you out with your visibly declining happiness. We were once very happy together, I'm sorry that had to change.
If we get another chance, let's meet when I become stronger, let's meet when I finally have the freedom to provide you with the best life, let's meet when we're both out of the control of our parents. Let's meet again, when the timings right. But I will forever be thankful, you were there for me, at my lowest times, you were there for me when nobody else wanted to, you raised me up Happy, the way my parents couldn't.
I love you so much, and I'm sorry this love has to be laced with a lot of regret, but I promise you I'll become a better person, just in case we meet again.
Until then, happy baby!
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